A lover girl at peace
Running my race and running it well
If you’re anything like me, you may have had your life “planned out” for as long as you can remember…For as far back as I can remember I had this idea of how I wanted my life to pan out and more or less when, as in what age, I’d roughly be hitting each milestone. You have likely already gathered that I’m going to tell you about how that in fact didn’t happen, and yes that’s true, but I also want to share something that I only JUST began to understand maybe last year.
For context I am 28 years old, I love Jesus and I’ve always “known” that I probably shouldn’t stop what I’m doing or better yet, what I am assigned to, because I am not yet married (I wrote more on this in my last article “Closeness over Clarity” but I touch base so that you and I would be on the same page).
Walking purposefully comes in different areas. Apart from refusing to establish anything with my given name (fun fact: this goes back to when I was thirteen—I guess you can say I’ve always known what I wanted), there is the element of refusing community. I always said “I’m a guy’s girl” or that all girl events weren’t “my thing.” Only recently is when I started to wonder if in fact, this is because there is a purpose in the way God designed women, and that being surrounded by like-minded women would actually fuel me, and help me become the woman God has called me to be. This is where I needed to heal. I realized that I started to put this idea, this longing before everything else so much so to the point where it was subconsciously draining me from my purpose. It wasn’t until I finally made a shift of fully deciding that it was time to start moving…furthermore, it was time to decide that even if I never did get married, how was I walking out my purpose? Because that’s the thing, marriage is purposeful, marriage is a ministry — but you are a being that is called to something or many things. Marriage is not the goal.
When I finally decided to start looking at myself as a daughter, my perspective shifted. I was not merely designed to be a wife — being a wife would just be added to the list if and when the Lord says so. My perspective shifted, but so did the mission. A new found drive ignited in me, but this time it was different. This wasn’t “hustle culture” , this was a surrendered pursuit. Pursuit of what it is I’m meant to do and who it is I’m meant to become in my singleness. Pursuit of the woman that I was going to become over time, the one that would continue to see the promises of her Father come to pass. All that later is beautiful but God is an intentional Father, and there is a reason I am in this season, at this point, at this age.
It’s not to say that I don’t still struggle with my feelings of loneliness. It’s not to say that I don’t get frustrated anymore. Yes, to all of that. Yes to being annoyed, yes to feeling “behind sometimes” – I am simply a human at the end of the day. But it's a decision to no longer allow it to be a hindrance to my mission. If I want a man that is walking out his calling and submitting to the Lord’s will, why on earth would I be doing anything less than the same thing??
So in this season, I am finally choosing peace. Finally choosing to step into what the Lord needs me to do.
Finally stepping into the place where I am consciously deciding to remember that my Father has created me for a specific purpose. My husband finding me will come from the abundance and overflow of that process, but I am choosing to run my race.
