28, single and wondering

shifting my perspective for purpose

I’ve never embraced singleness. 

For as far back as I can remember, I've desired to be a wife and a mother. I’ve never been one to desire a (corporate) career, I always knew that to some capacity, I would be working for myself(glory to God, because this is unfolding…more on that later), or that I’d be a stay at home wife and mother. Now, to be clear: I’m not yet married, nor yet have children. I don’t even have any prospects of marriage at the moment.

If you were to tell the 21 year old Bianca that we would be 28, unmarried, and not even have any prospects…she would’ve lost her ever-loving mind. The beauty of this, however, is I’m more at peace and feel more aligned than ever before. 

I had a friend once tell me that I have my eyes peeled for engagements, because it seemed like I was always reporting them. Growth is in the fact that this is a happy report now, because there was a time that I was filled with bitterness and resentment for what felt like everyone around me getting what I wanted. It was even worse when there was the season where it seemed like a wave of my younger cousins, and kiddos I grew up with of similar ages were all getting engaged and married back to back. This sent me through an emotional loop that nearly took me out (emotionally and figuratively of course). It was landing a little too close to home and it was creating a feeling of desperation inside me. This is a dangerous place to be in. 

When we get to a place of desperation, we also get to a place of settling. We get to a place where you’re truthfully just seeking companionship from anywhere. You just want…

Just want attention 

Just want to flirt 

Just want to text 

Just want someone to talk to on the phone 

Just want someone to check on you 

And the list goes on

The danger here is that it’s a slippery slope. A slippery slope of compromise. A slippery slope of seeking your validation in external factors. I would even go as far as saying that it’s a slippery slope of questioning your identity. If you’ve never wrestled with this level of loneliness, you may find that this is a stretch, and if so, then good for you. You should never put your worth in seeking a spouse – marriage is not the goal (Ephesians 5:22-33). Marriage is indeed a gift from the Lord, but so is singleness (cue the eyeroll..). Hear me out though. This is where the Holy Spirit had to check me… 

I was sitting at my desk journaling one evening; journaling through these feelings, journaling through some hurt, and ultimately asking for the Lord to speak to me as I wrote. In that moment, plain as day, the Holy Spirit whispered to me… “what are you being disobedient in, in this season because you’re too focused on the next?”  I remember hearing these words in my heart, and was taken aback, and started bawling. I continued to type (I type this kind of journaling as they can be long winded) as the thoughts flooded in with this prompting. 

The beautiful part of this moment was that by God’s grace, there was an immediate shift in my perspective. There was a shift in the way I thought about my calling, my purpose and even thoughts about the business I’d been dreaming about. 

I had been a victim of hitting a hard pause on my life. I purposefully didn’t want to continue to move anything forward until I got married. I didn’t want to create anything with my maiden name. I didn’t want to build anything with the excuse that I wanted to build everything with my husband. This is where we circle back to the reason that singleness is a gift. As a single christian, this is not something we want to hear by any means. This is something that seems so “christianese” something you just tell the single christians to hold them over. However, the truth is, this was the very essence of what that means.  There is an assignment that you have on your life within your season of singleness.  (1 Corinthians 7:32-35) 

I stated earlier that marriage isn’t the goal – sure, marriage is a gift but let’s not forget that the reason it is such: marriage is a ministry in and of itself. When you get married, that is now your FIRST ministry in fact. If we have yet to become in our singleness, how then, can we become prepared for the ministry that is marriage? 

For far too long I made marriage an idol – an idol is simply anything you’re putting before God. Mind you, I’d gone through this realization before, and I had decided to stop doing that, but it took more than that. It took this moment of conviction. To put it simply, there is something or several things to be both accomplished and learned in this season. The season that you just have to be a child of God. Remember that God is always working, so imagine how he’s working on your behalf when you’re operating in a place of simply being obedient to the assignment of your current season. 

The truth of the matter remains in that God created marriage (Genesis 2:18-24). If God has placed a desire for marriage on your heart, take that back to Him. Ask Him to reveal to you what that means, or better yet… ask Him what you are supposed to do right NOW. 

I share this as a reflection of what I’ve been learning and what I am currently walking through, and I pray this reaches who it needs to. Some days are rough. I’m still just a girl, and I’m merely a human. I get emotional, I get discouraged, and I sometimes get down right irritated. But this reflection is where I anchor myself and my heart. I anchor myself in the truth of His love, the truth of His purpose, and the truth that: God’s not in a hurry. God is intentional. 

Over the last couple of months this has gotten significantly easier. I have finally stepped into a place where I am more content than ever. 

By His grace, I am building my dream career. My calendar is more full than it has ever been, but I have never felt so aligned. I feel like I am right where I need to be with where God is taking me. That gives me a peace that surpasses understanding. Even when days get hard, I am walking in the truth that He is sovereign. When He places something on your heart, your job is to walk it out with Him. – “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”‭‭ Psalms‬ ‭37‬:‭4‬ . 

I am 28 years old, turning 29, and I want to be married. I want to have children. I am also a daughter. A daughter of the King. A daughter who is called for a purpose, on purpose. I rest assured that if nothing else…He is enough. 

I’ve never embraced singleness. If anything, the thought of singleness annoyed me. Hearing the newly married christian girl say “singleness is a gift” made me want to smack her…but when you take a step back to realize that the gift is the fact that you get to just BE right now, something changes. 

I shall continue to pray for my future husband, and I shall continue to pray for the Lord to prepare my heart and mind for marriage. I pray that I will be a woman who loves His son well - because God isn’t only preparing him, He’s preparing me for Him too. God loves His son just as much as He loves His daughter. I will continue to pray for my future children (that I will have, Lord willing). 

I will continue to choose daily to follow Him and trust that He has me. I will choose to embrace the singleness, at last.